Dating…that magical, mysterious, murky pursuit of modern times. To paraphrase a popular film, falling in love is easy, but dating is hard, it takes work. In an era equally enthralled with IRL meet-cutes and dating app swipes, what’s the tl:dr on a woman dating a woman for the first time? How does all of the dating drama play out in the queer world, with people who identify as lesbian or queer? Well, we’re actually going to take our time with this one, so sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
New experience nerves
Doing something, anything, for the first time can be overwhelming, and it’s totally normal to feel nervous. Riding a bike, jumping into the deep end, dating a woman for the first time – these experiences can be intimidating, terrifying even. It can be especially destabilizing if you’ve spent (too many) years dating, or in relationships, with men. That said, remember that a lot of women start to date other women later in life. It’s absolutely, definitely, never too late to try something new, especially something that can give you so much pleasure…and your first time having sex with a woman can definitely bring you pleasure, but maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Tips for dating a woman for the first time
Some of our advice might not sound quite like advice, but rather, a statement of facts. First up, a lot about dating women is similar to all dating experiences: nerves, butterflies, uncertainty, excitement, flirting, wanting, waiting…you’re familiar with all of this. On top of that though, we’ll add a few specifics.
Let go of any preconceived notions
Outside of heteronormative relationships, there’s no map. Don’t panic. This is a good thing. That means there are no preconceived (or outdated) notions of who’s in charge, or who should take the lead, who should pay the bill. So, when dating a woman for the first time, you’re free to explore and negotiate and think outside the box. You want to buy her a drink? Do it. You want to text her first? Go for it.
Let go of imposter syndrome
Many people, especially women, women-identifying and non-binary folks can experience imposter syndrome in many aspects of their lives, and dating is no different. If it’s your first time with a girl, you might think to yourself, “I have no idea what I’m doing.” A. It’s normal to feel this way. And B. If you know yourself and your body, you know enough to embark on the journey. No need to be apologetic about what you consider to be a lack of experience. Every new sexual partner presents a novel situation anyway, even if you think you know how the equipment works. We’re all here to learn on this earth. You’re not an imposter.
Let go of the pressure
One way to take the pressure off of dating a woman for the first time is to look at the pursuit as a way to make new friendships. There is something more fluid, more open between women, and it is not uncommon for women to start dating and then become friends, or vice versa. Stay open-minded and open to what the new experience can bring.
First time sex with a woman
We tackled some of the general ideas about dating a woman for the first time. But what about the mechanics of sex with a woman for the first time? How to approach your first time with a girl, how to prepare? What do you need to know? We’ve rounded up some tips so you can be ready for first time sex with a woman.
Consent and safety still matter
We’ll start with this up top, because it’s very important. Asking for consent and practicing safe sex remain absolutely vital no matter who you are and who you are having sex with. This applies in the lesbian and queer community as much as it does in the hetero world.
Communicate in bed (and beyond)
Some might say that women are better communicators and this is probably true to a certain degree, however, it still requires some proactive behavior and practice. You need to be able to communicate about what you want and need in bed (and outside of it for that matter), including physical and emotional boundaries. Know your body and what you like, and learn how to express that to a sexual partner. On the flipside, listen and be receptive to what your partner wants and needs.
Explore one another
Having sex with someone new, no matter what their bodies are like, will be a new experience. Your first time together may be amazing and it also might be clunky and awkward. As you get to know someone, explore, play, communicate – and you will find your rhythm. Sex with a woman can encompass so many different practices and positions. Use your hands, your mouths, your whole bodies. And don’t be shy about bringing in some sex toy reinforcements. When it comes to lesbian sex, or having sex with women, strap ons and double dildos can bring new levels of pleasure and play.
Dating a woman for the first time
For many women, dating a woman for the first time, sleeping with a woman for the first time – the whole experience – can be totally eye-opening. In queer dating and relationships, the first time with a girl can introduce you to levels of pleasure you never thought possible. And if not the very first time, then probably the second, or third…and the pleasure can keep increasing.
As with all dating experiences, there’s a lot of unknown and uncertainty when dating a woman for the first time. The butterflies and the jitters are part of it. The unknown, the unexpected. The pleasure and the privilege of getting to know someone new. If you’ve considered dating a woman, but have held yourself back, consider letting go and going for it.
